July has been, to put it simply, good. I look back on myself throughout the past school year, and I experience a sort of sadness that makes me want to pull my old self in close and hold her for a few moments.
I never thought it would get better. And I still don’t know how it did. Sometime between June 30th and July 2nd, I had a good day. and all that happened is— I kept having them.
The problem with having a better mood and experiencing the all consuming feeling of progress is, of course, when it ends. Previously, all my days were poor. I could not distinguish one from the other; they all were the same sort of foggy gray— unproductive, exhausted, sad. It was usual.
However, now that all my days are not poor (dare I say- good), having a poor day stings more than it used to. At least then, I expected it. I was sad without reason. Therefore, I had no reason to be surprised when I woke up not wanting to be a person, not wanting to open my eyes, and feeling the all too familiar heavy weight on my chest.
I still hate myself when I feel like that, maybe even more than I used to. I hate that there is something that made me feel this way; what I hate more, however, is that I lost my progress.
(I'll tell you now, in retrospect, that I hadn't lost my progress. I can say confidently now that these seemingly insurmountable bumps in the road are just part of the journey. Being able to climb them only pushed me forward. I’ll also say, this perspective is something I could never have seen, and will not ever see, when I feel this way.)
I had lost my progress. I was doing so well, I had told my friends 'I'm doing better, finally. I really am.’ and I had lied. I had convinced myself I was human enough to get better. I wasn't.
When I cannot face myself and cannot face those around me, I turn to the people I look up to. When I feel like there is no reason to keep trying this hard, I turn to people like BTS for comfort and motivation. I read their words over and over, as if repetition could burn them into belief:
“Maybe I was too blinded by the thought that I had to live diligently and work hard, that I made myself paralyzed because I wasn't capable of that in the first place.”
“Focusing on the present and doing my best to live for tomorrow and the next day are the only things that I can do now.”
“It’s okay to lean back when you’re tired.”
I take in these words on an inhale and let them seep into my bones. I let myself drown for the rest of the day. It’s better than trying to swim, when I know I don’t have enough strength to.
The next day, I start over. It’s as if the sun comes into view and shines over the wreckage from the day before. On these days, or as I call them- hangover sad days, I handle myself with care. I am kind to myself. I remind myself that progress is not lost with one bad day. I remind myself that progress is not progress without the bad days. I pick up the pieces, I learn, and I keep going.
Yun Hyong-keun - Burnt Umber & Ultramarine, 1984
It is in this manner that I passed my days this July. Advancing, falling, taking it slow, advancing, falling… you get it. July has been good, not because I’ve accomplished anything worthy, but because I’ve been living; More importantly, living without wanting to die. For over a year, I had been craving to get better. I was tired of feeling mentally drained every day and night, tired of burning out and not being able to get back up. This is why I am thankful to July for letting me grow. I’m not sure how I made this change in myself, but I will attribute some of my success to this: I am radically putting myself first every time, because nobody else will be there until the very end. My friend reminded me of this, that from the very beginning to the very end, the only constant will be me.
I suppose I should be hanging out with my friends more, especially those I haven't seen properly for about a year and a half. I ask myself though, whether I really want to see them or if I just feel like I should. With this mindset, I often opt to just stay alone and learn to enjoy my own company. I quote now, a line from Ocean Vuong’s ‘Someday I’ll Love’ that I believe has permanently changed my worldview:
“The most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed. & remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world.”
I take these words along with me as I live, now making conscious efforts to spend time with the world. I eat breakfast outside and meet the trees. I open my windows and greet the wind. I try to make the world my neighbor and loneliness my friend. But sometimes, the loneliness I try so desperately to enjoy becomes my enemy. It overwhelms me, it seeps into my bones, it holds me hostage in its relentless grip. At these times, I ask myself why I wanted social isolation to end so bad, why I got vaccinated, if I was going to spend my summer generally alone anyways.
Frog and Toad, Arnold Lobel
As I leave behind July, and welcome August (an objectively more difficult month for me, with intolerable heat and an exam that is getting closer and closer), my goal is to live by the day. It is near impossible to ask myself of the same goals and expect the same productivity everyday, as much as I would like it to be that way. I cannot expect myself of these standards, and I also cannot expect what my mind and body can handle when I wake up in the morning. Instead, I will wake up every morning and listen to myself first. I will take care of myself, continue to work hard within my limitations, and release everything that doesn’t help me get where I need to be. In the words of Mary Oliver in her poem entitled ‘Wild Geese’:
You do not have to be good. / You do not have to walk on your knees / for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. / You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves.
—
On a less heavy and introspective note, July was a wonderful month for music, movies, and TV! To be completely fair, many of these things did not come out in July, but they are on this list because that’s when I listened to or watched them.
As per music, I dug myself out of my exclusively listening to Taylor Swift and BTS hole this month! I have opened my ears to other sounds! Favorites include: People Watching - Conan Gray, circle the drain - soccer mommy, Cologne - beabadoobee, Malibu Nights - LANY, and most recently, Happier Than Ever - Billie Eilish (the album by the same name is alright, but this song is incredible)
As for movies and TV, I’ve watched the eponymous series about Naomi Osaka on Netflix, Never Have I Ever’s second season, Atypical’s final season, and am currently watching a K-drama called Her Private Life and Outer Banks’ second season. My highest ratings go to Naomi Osaka and Outer Banks.
Speaking of Naomi Osaka, I haven’t been watching the Olympics, but I have been keeping up with it via social media and news. I have a lot to say about Simone Biles withdrawing, but most of all, I support her immensely and hope she’s doing well. I hope Sunisa Lee is having a wonderful day too.
And so, I welcome August with open arms. I hope I am met with an equal embrace.
With love,
Aarushi.
“I suppose I should be hanging out with my friends more, especially those I haven't seen properly for about a year and a half. I ask myself though, whether I really want to see them or if I just feel like I should. With this mindset, I often opt to just stay alone and learn to enjoy my own company.“ u articulated this so well i feel like i understand my own brain better after reading this post