Things I Think About Too Much

aka everything I wanted to write about over the last six months, but didn't!

1. I am finally the age I feel in my head. I am young enough to be the baby in a group. I am old enough to do what I want when I want to. I am young enough to not have a full-time job. I am old enough to live away from home. Young enough to blame it on my age. Old enough to know better.

2. I’ve been practicing conversation as a skill. In my head, it’s like a muscle that can get stronger the more that I use it. When I treat conversation as a way to untangle and pick someone’s brain, it becomes much easier to execute.

3. Spite is a perfectly good motivator. If I did the right thing, how much does it matter if spite drove me to do it? Didn’t I still succeed? This is one of those beliefs I’m young enough to blame on my age, but still probably old enough to know better.

4. I really enjoy the company of the people I see once a year. I like to introduce myself, to break ice, to tell you about myself knowing I won’t see you again for a while. I like to hear about you, to understand your head, to let you shape me knowing you won’t see me again for a while.

5. I am never going to understand the intimacy of having a sibling. I don’t really want one, but this ruins my life every time I think about it. 

6. The kitchen is my lifeline. Cooking brings me so much relief. It pulls me out of my own head and grounds me. I don’t understand mindfulness until I chop onions or scramble eggs or whisk matcha. Stomach, mind, and heart are full!

7. The cognitive dissonance of always being far from the person I am closest with is so jarring. It’s been years, but these days, I’m keenly aware that almost every room I am in is without the person that knows me best.

8. I am so American. Despite the many, many grievances I have with the state, there will never be another place for me. The people are warm yet tough, resilient yet unmoving. I can’t really describe it without sounding like I’m drafting a presidential speech, but I feel it so deeply.

9. Fall will pass me by until I graduate. It’s like I’m escaping it—I leave home before the leaves change and spend those months where they never do. Californians are the best actors, taking pictures under fake snow at The Grove, putting up Christmas trees right beside palm trees, lounging on the beach in late November. I love the act, and I’ve picked it up. If I play the right songs and light the right candles, I can pretend it’s fall, even if it’s burning outside. How does it matter that I’m so far from home?

10. I will never write again if I don’t allow myself to write poorly.

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Well! I guess I’m back. I hope everyone’s doing well :) 

Updated Playlist

Love,
Aarushi.