Three weeks ago, following in the footsteps of my seniors (Ashley aka @bestdressed!), I moved from my hometown in suburban Maryland to the middle of everything: Los Angeles. 2,623 miles. I thought I'd make this newsletter a simple stream of consciousness—just a letter, from me to you.
I have been both busy and achingly lonely here, but never really at the same time. Sometimes, you are occupied and empty at once (like running on autopilot), but here, these feelings take turns. Sometimes, I am alone in an independent way. Sometimes, I am lonely. Sometimes, I am lost in an exploratory way. Sometimes, I am aimless. There are days where social connections come seemingly out of nowhere (like the friend I made at Dunkin’ Donuts), and there are days that pass with nothing more than some small talk in class.
My friend and I often talk about homesickness. I talk about how I haven’t felt as homesick as I feared I would by now, and she talks about how homesickness doesn’t come on strong. I guess I thought homesickness would just be crying that I missed my room, my parents, my neighborhood, my friends. It is, but more often, homesickness feels like this:
I have to introduce myself to everyone I talk to. I have to tell them what I like and what I don’t. I have to tell them I’m from the East Coast and that I’m vegetarian and that I’m a psychology major. This is fine and all, but my friends know who I am already. They know what I like and what I don’t. They’re from the East Coast, just like me, and most of them are still there. They know I’m vegetarian, but also that I want to be vegan one day. They know I’m a psychology major, but also that I want to work with children one day, focusing on preventive care.
Homesickness is wishing I could be around people who already know me. It’s realizing that as much as I have to share my life with people here, I now have to share my life with my hometown friends too. It’s realizing that my friends are now my “hometown” friends. It’s realizing that I won’t be home until mid-December, so I can’t be as pessimistic as I have been recently.
I keep thinking of this tweet, copied on my laptop screen as a reminder:
it takes a surprising amount of courage to be enthusiastic about your own life. to resist the urge to hedge and self-deprecate, to distance yourself from the fear of failure and miscalculation. to express your desires, declare your convictions. can you be brave
And I keep thinking of Waymond Wang, in Everything Everywhere All At Once:
You think because l'm kind that it means I’m naive, and maybe I am. It’s strategic and necessary. This is how I fight.
Being optimistic has become “strategic and necessary” in this stage of my life. I chose this university over proximity to my loved ones and lower tuition. I am grateful that I got to make this choice, and now that I have, I want to make the best of it. The loneliness is sinking in. I will not deny that. But in this new city, this is what I have to learn to adapt to if I want to reap the benefits of being here.
I take care of my health better here. I take all my pills and I eat three meals and I sleep through the night. I walk everywhere, all the time. I try to call my friends and my parents whenever I can. There are flowers at every corner, and I’ve seen more live music in my 3 weeks here than I have in the past 3 years. I take a class about learning how to thrive and make the most of our limited time here. I eat well. I think of my high school self, who wished she could just hit a big red button that would take her to the next chapter. There is no button, but there is a next chapter. Patience brought me here. Life is not perfect, but I think there is potential. Maisie Peters sings “There It Goes”, and I cry my eyes out because I’m finally moving on. She sings about doing better and making it to September and about sleeping through the night and going where you’re wanted. Near the end, she sings “The universe is shifting / and it’s all for me, all for me”.
A few people told me they were eager to read my newsletter in college, to see how my new experiences would shape my thoughts. Well… here it is! I hope next time I can write a more narrow newsletter, but I thought a life update would be good for now. I hope everyone is doing well, and I’d love to hear some sort of update on your end as well. Happy autumn :)
I’ve added some of my fall rotations to the playlist. Take a listen if you want.
Love,
Aarushi
the scariest thing about starting over is not knowing if u can do it all again :'( but i think u can do it and more ... it's a new chapter!!!
i really do wish i had had your thoughts to think and reflect on in my first year of college. as usual, a more eloquent way of phrasing what i was thinking at the time. much love always!! excited to see how your thoughts will evolve, much as mine have