The Thing About a Relentless Mind
Introspection, pages from my diary, and the gratifying feeling of growth.
“My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery - always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. and why? What's this passion for?”
― Virginia Woolf
At some point in my life, I started thinking and never stopped. My thoughts― good, or bad, or just thoughts― keep me up at night. They occupy me on the bus, in the car, during school, when I wake up. There has never been a silent moment in my mind. These thoughts aren't always bad, too. They’re dreams, they’re hopes, they’re fantasies, they’re curiosities, they’re stories, and yes: they’re anxieties, they’re sorrow, they’re chastisement, they’re complaints. They are all of these things.
Sometimes:
I am on top of the world, as I get up on my first alarm. I am on top of the world, as the song ends right as the bus pulls up to school. I am on top of the world, as my classes are enjoyable. I am on top of the world, as I laugh with my friends. I am on top of the world, as I stare up at the sky in awe at sunset. I am on top of the world, when I sing my favorite songs as loud as I can dancing around in circles. I am on top of the world, I am on top of the world, it doesn’t get better than this, life is worth living, I am on top of the world!
And sometimes:
The walls are closing in on me, as I have a fight with my parents. The walls are closing in on me, as I lie in bed all day unable to get myself up to work. The walls are closing in on me, as I try on clothes and hate the way they look. The walls are closing in on me, as I reread old texts from a more painful time. The walls are closing in on me, the walls are closing in on me, I’m back where I started, I’m too far gone to pick myself up again, the walls are closing in on me!
Sometimes it’s more like this:
You’re not supposed to be this happy, as I find myself unbothered by a bad grade on a test. You’re not supposed to be this happy, as I realize how excited I am to go to school tomorrow. You’re not supposed to be this happy, as I realize how much I love the people I surround myself with. You’re not supposed to be this happy, as I see myself in a mirror and love the way I look even though I’m not dressed up. You’re not supposed to be this happy, you’re not supposed to be this happy, this isn’t what I used to know, this isn’t how things used to be, you’re not supposed to be this happy!
Life has not been the brightest lately, the words get stuck in my head, and I haven’t been proud of much. Oftentimes when I feel like I’ve lost control of myself like this, I browse old writing, photos, posts, messages to remind myself who I am when I do feel like myself. In that process this week, I read through most of a diary I’ve been keeping since my 13th birthday in 2018. Here are some excerpts that make me feel proud in a time where life feels so, so gray.
06/19/18
The future is coming, whether I like it or not. High school + tests and college and eventually being my own self. It’s weird how I depend on people so much soon I’ll be the one people depend on.
09/09/18
If there’s a message from me now to me then, it’s that IT’LL ALL BE OKAY. I’m obviously not doing great rn, but I’ve got hope and I know I can finish my work! Either you are okay now and I was right (ha told you so) or you’re not, but okay is real. Okay will happen.
12/27/18
2019 is coming, and I actually want to change. I want to learn, rather than be. I want to learn how to be a better person rather than pretend like as soon as it turns 12 I’ll be a better person.
03/03/19
Dear future me, please tell me it gets better.
06/26/19
Nothing feels real anymore. Everything feels temporary. Everything, everyone is gonna leave at some point, some how. As compared to school, summer beholds the gift of no schedule but everything I do feels roboticized, slow, lethargic. Everyday I wake up not wanting to have woken up, everyday I work like I don’t want to, and I go to sleep wondering what kind of BS I’m gonna pull tomorrow.
08/22/19
I think future Aarushi reading this thinks I’m depressed. For all I know, I might be but that’s not the point.
09/15/19
One day I just want to be so good at anything that people like acknowledge it. I just want to prove the voice in my head wrong. I want to lose weight so that people are proud of me, dance so well they’re in awe, or be so smart they admire it, or be so pretty, or be so happy, or ANYTHING GOOD so that people go ‘That’s her. Yes, I’m friends with Aarushi.’ Is that a bad mindset to have?
12/31/20
So, 2021. I obviously have a lot of measurable goals (eat healthy, read, lose weight) but I think through these measurable things, I just want to be kinder to myself. Oftentimes, I feel like I haven’t struggled enough to deserve good things, or, that I am not a good enough person to deserve good things. But everyone deserves kindness, no? I want to be honest above all things this year. I really hope 2021 is good to me. I feel like I’ve been bad enough that I deserve to be good now. I want to work so hard. I want to bust my ass so people will look at me and be in fucking awe. I have that in me, I know. I have so much potential, and in 2021, I want to make the best of it. Well, I want a lot from this year. I can only keep the faith that I’ll get it. So, goodbye 2020. And to 2021: I’ll be kind. Please show me kindness back.
04/27/21
I was rereading this diary, and though objectively my mental health has exponentially dropped, I can clearly see how much emotional maturity I’ve gained. In that regard, I am proud of myself. I pray I get better at forgiving myself and treating myself w/ radical kindness. I hope that, whenever I reread this. I am reminded of these virtues & that I have, am, & will always continue to hold them in my heart.
06/20/21
Turning 16 fills me with pride for basically surviving til now. Turning 16 also fills me with immense dread for the future. I may have been strong enough to make it 16 years but idk how I’m supposed to make it for 60 more. I wonder how old I’ll be in the times I reread this.
Letter to My Younger Self — 10/13/21
I am not always proud of myself, but I think you deserve to be. Then, I realize we are one and the same, and I feel pride in myself now. … I remember my goals for New Years 2019 were to be kinder + fitter + happier. Those things aren’t goals to be met, is what I’ve learned. Those things are growing & changing. You have so much to be proud of, Aarushi. The world has so much to love. It is yours if you take it.
(It is mine if I take it, too.)
Rereading these, I find myself in awe at how little I’ve changed and how endlessly determined I’ve continued to be. Every time it got bad, I hoped it would get better the next time. And it didn’t get better, but I would keep hoping and keep wishing and keep trying. I would fall, but I would never let myself hit the ground. I’ve been near enough to graze rock bottom with my fingers, but I haven’t met it. And the truth is, I won’t. When Taylor Swift said in mirrorball, “I'm still a believer but I don't know why / I've never been a natural / All I do is try, try, try”, and when RM said in uhgood, “It could keep raining for days / Even in that desert, it might rain / But, I’m sorry, I can’t give up on myself”, and when BTS said in Answer: Love Myself, “So let's forgive ourselves now / our life is too long to be given up”, they meant that too. They meant that even without reason, even when there are no signs of summer, we are meant to live.
This is how I lived before I even recognized it. As I actively try to discern patterns in my mood and identify triggers for my bad days, I realize how far I have come. I don’t know you, reader, but I know how far you have come too. Every night you thought you would not make it through, every week you dreaded approaching, every anxiety spiral, you have made it through. I have made it through too. Our human instinct is to survive. And when it comes down to it, that’s what we’ll do: survive.
This was quite a lengthy newsletter, so thank you if you’ve read all of it. In complete honesty, I combined two existing ideas into one, which is why this is so long. Here are some good things from the last few weeks: this album, this short film, this poem, Noodle from TikTok, and my friends! Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate, stay warm, stay happy, stay healthy, and have pride in how far you’ve come :) Til next time!
Love,
Aarushi.
relating a lot… crying a lot. thank you, Aarushi.