I go to a big college, the kind where you really won’t see the same person twice. There is not a single amenity at this school you can access without waiting in a line first, and I always wonder how that many people can exist here at once. One thing about getting to meet people is getting to learn their various stories. The more I learn about people here, the more I wonder what “my story” is. Simply, I start to wonder if I could define who I am.
“Who am I?” What a question! If you say you can answer it, I don’t believe you. How can you describe yourself? These days, I find that rather than trying to figure out who I am, I am figuring out who I’m not. When you meet person after person after person (some of them only once, but some of them for as long as they’ll let you), you pick up on traits that you don’t like. Some may call it being a hater—I call it being observant!
I became aware of this observance (haha) during one of my philosophy lectures. In reading Plato’s Republic, we discussed the concept of definition. How can you define something abstract? The professor gave us two methods: demarcation and description. Demarcation is drawing boundaries around a concept, differentiating what is versus what isn’t. For non-abstract concepts, think of it like this. To define a tree, you can describe what is a tree (evergreen, palm, cedar) versus what isn’t (daffodil, water bottle, e-mail). On the other hand, description is detailing what is included in the concept, identifying its significant traits. This is your dictionary definition. But what about the things you can’t define so easily? Like the self?
I don’t think I can describe myself. Applications ask me to prove myself, but it always feels like I’m lying. I describe an ideal version of myself—a version that could exist if I gathered all my unused potential and made something out of it. My real self is lackluster and difficult to define. If description is bleak, maybe demarcation is the answer. Figuring out which categories I fit into and which I don’t is a more apt method of definition, and it’s a process made easier by the sheer amount of people I meet everyday.
Back to my haterism observance, when I meet people who carry qualities I don’t admire, I become more cognizant of how I carry that quality in myself. Fine-tuning my personality. In my head, it’s as if I am hidden in a big rock (a geode?). The more people I meet, the more I chip away at this rock. Slowly, I hope I will approach the real shape of myself.
As I write this, I wonder if this isn’t a process of discovery, but rather, formation. I came into writing this newsletter with the idea that I am on a journey to find myself among chaos, but maybe “finding myself” is a euphemism for “making myself”. It’s kinder to think of yourself as complete. Maybe, instead of a geode waiting to be found, I am a sculpture being shaped. Could that be so?
It brings to mind one of my favorite poems by Pat Schneider, “Instructions for the Journey”:
The self you leave behind
is only a skin you have outgrown.
Don’t grieve for it.
Look to the wet, raw, unfinished
self, the one you are becoming.
The world, too, sheds its skin:
politicians, cataclysms, ordinary days.
It’s easy to lose this tenderly
unfolding moment. Look for it
as if it were the first green blade
after a long winter. Listen for it
as if it were the first clear tone
in a place where dawn is heralded by bells.And if all that fails,
wash your own dishes.
Rinse them.
Stand in your kitchen at your sink.
Let cold water run between your fingers.
Feel it.
If it is not clear to you already, I can’t pin my thoughts down on this. My thoughts leave me before I can flesh them out, but maybe sharing this mess of ideas will bring some meaning to them. Ultimately, I do want to be able to define myself fully. But I am 18. Frontal lobe underdeveloped, teenage angst not yet off my shoulders. I cannot expect to be able to define what is still forming. Until I can, I’ll note down all the things I’m not.
Reader, I am confused. Writing has been a lot harder recently, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m disillusioned by university or if I’m just out of practice. I hope to make writing a higher priority this year. Speaking of… happy 2024! Thank you for sticking with me for so long.
Good Things:
Went to a local poetry reading with Monica Youn!
Saw Hasan Minhaj live :)
Watching new movies, listening to new music, admiring new art, reading new essays.
Movie: Mississippi Masala
Here is the updated Spotify playlist of recommendations. :) Stay safe, warm, dry, and happy. Thank you for reading.
Love,
Aarushi.
i’m also reading Republic for my philosophy class and this has been on my mind a lot recently! it’s so hard to define something which has only existed for such little time. we’re still teenagers, still learning how to live. one day we will find out <3
this is not really relevant specifically to your newsletter, so i'm not really sure why im thinking about this. however!! this reminds me of something i learned in class about the creation of hypotheses and theories, as well as the demarcation of falsification. one of the big struggles of science is deciding when a hypothesis is false and when it can just be adjusted for exceptions. Pigliucci says, “On one hand, a strict criterion of falsificationism seems to throw away the proverbial baby with the bathwater: too much good science would fail the falsification test. On the other hand, if we allow ourselves the luxury to change theories to accommodate whatever new observation comes our way we are not doing science at all, but rather engaging in the sterile act of rationalization." How much of the defining of ourselves is really defining and how much of it is rationalization? We are filled with contradictions and complexity, and I wonder if we can ever derive ourselves down to a science. should we even hope to define ourselves?? writing and thinking and existing is so hard, and i hope you continually give yourself grace, aarushi <3