At the end of eighth grade, a friend went around asking everyone, “If you could go back in time and change anything, what would you change?” The answer, to me, was obvious. I wouldn’t change anything. I remember the teacher being confused, asking me if I really had nothing I regretted. At the time, I attributed my answer to the butterfly effect: Why would I go back without knowing what sort of long-term effect my decision could have? I wasn’t perfectly content with my life, but I was fine enough that I didn’t want anything to mess with it.
I didn’t know a lot about the butterfly effect, other than how it’s portrayed in modern media, until two weeks ago. In my research, I’ve come to know that the butterfly effect is rooted in physics, a subject I’ve spent my whole educational career avoiding. It’s based in chaos theory. In the 1960s, mathematician and meteorologist Edward Norton Lorenz discovered the effect while running a predictive weather model. First, he inputted initial values for certain conditions, like temperature and humidity, to see the effect they would have on the weather for months to come. He reran this computation to look further into it, but the initial values were rounded off. When he came back to the model, the results were completely different from the first run. Lorenz's system highlighted what is known as sensitive dependence on initial conditions.
More abstractly though, the butterfly effect, in popular media and culture, refers to the way seemingly unimportant actions can be amplified to unexpected, large outcomes. When I answered that question in eighth grade, this is what I was thinking of. If I had just tried harder on one small thing, maybe I could’ve ended up with a different life path, a completely different ending to my story.
We can never know these different endings though: Lorenz’s research has shown us that the future is set—every action has a set ending, but it is an ending impossible to predict due to the sensitive dependence on initial conditions. Simply: we cannot track the long-term effects of our small changes.
At its worst, the butterfly effect encourages regret. But at its best, it encourages action. If all it takes is a small change, then it must be worth our time to make the bolder, harder decision. This is something I still struggle with, but it brings to mind two things. First, a quote from Earl Nightingale that regularly makes its rounds on social media: “The time will pass anyway.” The things we want might will be hard. The time will pass anyway, whether we expend the effort to get the things we want or not. Second, a chart from the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. The excerpt accompanying the chart goes as such:
In the beginning, there is basically no difference between making a choice that is 1 percent better or 1 percent worse. (In other words, it won’t impact you very much today.) But as time goes on, these small improvements or declines compound and you suddenly find a very big gap between people who make slightly better decisions on a daily basis and those who don’t. This is why small choices don’t make much of a difference at the time, but add up over the long-term.
If we don’t make those small choices or take those daunting leaps, we lose the opportunity they provide us. I would rather try something bold, fail at it, and then change my course. Ideally, I would like to live a life without regret. It’s hard, but I am beginning to recognize the value of being an active participant in my own life, no matter the failures it may come with. In an “Ask Polly” advice column, Heather Havrilesky writes:
You are not damaged. You are not socially handicapped. You are young and you are learning how to live. Write that down. I AM VERY YOUNG AND I AM LEARNING HOW TO LIVE. Tape it to the wall by your bed and read it every morning.
You are very, very young. You are learning how to live.
I feel lucky to say that every bad thing I’ve experienced has been outweighed by some sort of long-term growth. The growth has taken and is still taking its time. Getting bad grades taught me to pay more attention in class. Losing a friend helped me identify my values and principles. Struggling with my mental health helped me be more empathetic to others. Grief reminded me to hold my loved ones closer. All of this gives me hope that one day, if I just stick with it, I can say the same about the things I’m going through right now.
Ultimately, you just have to commit to things. That's what I think. Make a goal and stick with it. See it through. If you really can't do it, then change your course. Don’t forget giving up also decisively counts as courage. AT LEAST YOU TRIED. Fault is inevitable. Success is inevitable, too. Now start again.
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Today is my two-year anniversary of Leaving Behind Gray. I nearly forgot because it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long at all! I cannot put into words how grateful I am to everyone who chooses to read these. As I face the next chapter of my life, this online space remains something secure and unchanging, no matter how far away I’m about to move (2,636 miles, in case you were wondering :/). I can’t wait to share my upcoming journeys with you all, through all the good and bad. After all, I am very, very young. I am learning how to live.
Love,
Aarushi.
i've just binge read your whole newsletter and holy smokes what a journey!! truly i have never felt so connected to someone while sitting in my room alone. it's midnight and i'm still stuck on your words, which in the past few hours have made me smile and feel and cry in the best way. congratulations and thank you for everything! i am so incredibly proud and grateful to have been even a small part of your life. you are such an eloquent writer and beautiful magnificent person; i love you so much and i look forward to whatever the future holds. many happy returns of the day <3 :)
congratulations aarushi! it is such an important thing sometimes to just remember the fact that we are very young and that there is still so much for us to learn, and in a way it is also a symbol of maturity and kindness to yourself.
i remember you commenting on my post a year ago when i was flying off to university. so much time has passed! it's been so lovely to watch you grow, and i look forward to more :) <3